Broken Secrets

Saturday, November 20, 2004

If you want to see what I'm currently doing, please see the left side of page entitled "CURRENT."

"What am I doing now?" - I'm typing this, DUH!!! I'm encoding files to burn onto a cd, getting excited about the POA DVD out this Tuesday! And, the Josh 'Live at the Greek' DVD out Nov. 30th!!! YIPS!!

Today: Well, I went to work. Wow, exciting. Yeah, I live in Chicago so I work at the world famous Brookfield Zoo. It's nothing major, I just work at a restaurant. It pays good though. I was actually surprised at how many people turned up. But that was because of the tree trimming going on. Yeah, Holiday Magic is fast approaching and soon I'll be going to work at 4:30pm and coming home at 9pm. Sux. I'm just glad I didn't sign up to work on Christmas Day. For me that's a no brainer. Working on Christmas Day is bogus, especially since it's the zoo and who's gonna come to the fucking zoo on Christmas Day! Ha!

I'm just so tired from work. Plus, I stayed up late trying to finish that thigh story for the Grobies! (i'm gonna post it here so y'all can read it) I just realized that it's gonna take me forever to finish that book I'm reading right now! I'm always on the computer or in my room watching movies! And my sister always finds time to read! Speaking of the thigh story, the Grobies want me to finish it! It was only a daydream and I never wanted it to turn into an actual story, but oh well, if they want more I'll give them more!!!

I can't wait until Dec. 5th rolls around! Rachel and I (my Canadian Grobie friend) are gonna have our LONG AWAITED JOSH PARTY!! I'm so excited! PBS is gonna broadcast the 'Live at the Greek' concert and some Chicago Grobanites are gonna be manning the phones for their pledge drive! Yippeee! I'll be cheering them on!

Yesterday: Sorry, forgot!


We were both sitting on Josh's bed in the back of his tour bus. No one was around, just us. We were both waiting for each other to make the next move. It was a hard decision to make, considering what Josh had just asked me to do. No, dared me to do. It had been something that I wanted, oh yes I had wanted, but in reality, in the real world, it seemed impossible. So many things were at stake. We had waited a long time before we had decided to play this game. We had made sure of it, otherwise I would've probably made the worst mistake of my life. Since the first time I saw him, I knew something was between us. Yes, I was obsessed with him, but there was just something more when I saw him in person. A more personal connection. He got to know me better and that's how I had ended up here. Now, he was asking me something that I had wanted for years and years. Something I had never had in my life, never experienced."Truth or Dare, Josh?" He hesitated a little before he made his choice. "Truth." I gave him a devilish smile. "Ok....are you a virgin?" I immediately blushed and averted my eyes from him. It was the question I had wanted to ask him, but never really thought I would end up asking him. A few tense moments passed between us. I was wondering why Josh wasn't taken aback by my question, because when I looked back up at him, he was smiling. It was almost like he had been asked this question many times."No." My eyes widened a little and my mouth parted slightly. Now I was the one to be taken aback. In my mind's eye, my jaw was on the floor. How could Josh not be a virgin? I mean I knew he and Jan were in love, deeply in love, but I never thought that they had any time for...for THAT! I was suddenly jerked from my thoughts by Josh laughing. That deep belly-throated laugh that I had fallen in love with the first time I had heard it."Why are you laughing?," I asked bewildered. Josh pointed at me, all the while choking back laughs. "The.....the...look on your face." "What look? I didn't make a look." "Yes, you did," he said. "Your eyes widened to saucers and your mouth was hanging open.""Well, it is kind of surprising you know. I mean, the innocent, handsome, angelic Josh Groban, you'd think that he would never do something like that. You'd think he'd be too scared too." "Well, I was scared. I mean I didn't want to hurt her and I didn't know what it was going to feel like."
"I bet it's always scary the first time......" I let the sentence drop and stared into space. Was he thinking about what I was thinking? I mean I didn't want him getting any ideas....I didn't want us to go that far...yet. "Hey." Josh had jerked me out of my thoughts. I turned my head to face him."Truth or Dare?"I thought about it for a sec. Truth was probably going to be a boring, lame question and dare...well...dare came with risks. I'm not usually a risk taker, but I guess I can let dare slip. Besides, it might be interesting what he asks me. "Dare." Josh was actually surprised at my response. I knew he would be, because, like I said I wasn't usually a risk taker.He then asked me a daring question. "Are you sure?"What was that supposed to mean? Was he actually going to do something dangerous, or something that would make me totally mortified? It turned out to be none of those things. What he asked me to do would've had every girl in Grobania dying to be in my place. I nodded. Afraid, scared, nervous. Josh moved a little closer to me. My eyes never left his face. His never left mine. "Kiss me." He didn't crack a smile, didn't laugh. He only kept a steel, hard expression on me, like he was testing me to see if I would actually go through with it.I, on the other hand, was completely dumbstruck. It was the first thought that crossed my mind. Josh wants to do what with me! Then, I thought about how wrong it was. Josh had a girlfriend and he and I were never supposed to come to this. I was just merely along for the ride. "I don't want one of those little pecks on the cheek, I'm talking about the real thing. " Silence. When I didn't respond, he moved even closer to me, so close that I could feel his breath on my mouth. His eyes were so close to mine, it was the only thing I could stare at. I was afraid that if I talked, it would break this moment that we had. "Josh," I whispered. He looked down at me. "I've...I've never been kissed before, what if I'm bad...." Josh cut me off. "You won't be. Trust me. To be bad at kissing is impossible." Somehow that gave me courage. He knew I had let all my defenses down, that I had been exposed. He knew what I was thinking and he knew that I was waiting for him to make the first move. I suddenly felt him wrap his arm around my back, bringing me even closer to him, until our bodies were almost touching. It was then that I knew I had to do it. There was no turning back now.
"Alright Groban, you'll get what you want." I smiled at the thought. Just feeling his hand on the small of my back, gave me the courage to do what was next. I placed my hands on both of his sides and then looked deeply into his eyes. Now I could fully see the emotion behind them. They were so beautiful it was intoxicating. They were slowly drawing me in and I was powerless to stop it. Then, I noticed that Josh had closed his eyes and I knew this was it. Our lips were almost touching.....he was waiting....waiting for the tense moment to begin....for the experience to begin.....

Josh's POV: I liked the way she slid her hands up my body, from my chest to my shoulders. Se rested them there and looked deeply into my eyes. They were so full of uncertainty, afraid of what was coming next. She wasn't moving, so I thought I'd give her some encouragement. I closed my eyes and then the waiting was over. She leaned in and I inhaled sharply.

Fireworks immediately went off in my head as soon as I made contact with Josh's mouth. White, hot electricity raced from my lips to my brain, until I saw white lights behind my eyes. I heard Josh inhale sharply and wondered if he was surprised at my sudden course of action. The kiss was very light, no where near as passionate as I thought it was going to be. At first I thought we were going to break the kiss off, but I didn't want to. I pushed my body up against his to deepen the kiss. It momentarily through Josh off balance so that he had to catch himself so he wouldn't fall onto the bed. I just kept surprising him. The kiss had already deepened and I was loving every minute of it. Josh had completely wrapped his arms around my back so that my entire body was touching his. Hormones were raging and butterflies were coursing throughout my stomach. All throughout my mind, I kept asking myself questions. Did it really matter that we were far apart in age? Did it really matter that Josh had a girlfriend? Who would ever find out? No one was there and it was the perfect time to see if this would work! I guess you could call if forbidden love, or maybe we were just testing our boundaries. All those answers were erased from my mind when I thought of a new question to ask Josh. I wanted to see if he actually wanted this to continue. I wanted to see if I could test his limits. In one swift movement, I pulled him close and teased his mouth with my tongue. It was the only way to see if he'd respond.... And he did. He responded in the way I wanted him to respond. Not only did he groan into my mouth, but placed his own tongue in my mouth as well. Now, we really began to explore. We rarely came up for breath after that. It was an emotional rollercoaster and I was swept up in it. Whether it was the constant touching and holding of each other, or the constant sighing and groaning, we knew it would be a while before we would be done. It was passion like I had never experienced. I never knew he had it in him. It was almost like he never got to do this with Jan and was unleashing it all on me. Our heartbeats were going so fast that at times I thought they would explode.

It was only when I pushed Josh onto the bed and straddled his waist, that I began to be worried. I was so caught up in it all, that I almost didn't realize what I was doing. I was so engrossed in the way he was kissing me that I didn't notice that Josh hands were sliding up my back through my shirt. As soon as this thought crossed my mind and I felt what he was doing, something lurched in me and I sat up. "Josh, stop!!" I was totally out of breath and Josh was giving me a weird look. Josh's hands dropped to his sides and he looked at me bewildered. "What's wrong?" "Don't touch me like that, Josh. We had only agreed to kissing, but never for it to become a sexual act. I'm sorry, I'm just not ready for that. Please respect my decision." At first Josh looked hurt, but then he softened and said, "Yeah, I'm sorry. I guess I got a little carried away." Josh then looked down. " about the way you're sitting on me." "I like it this way, it gives me power. Power over you." "And you're telling me not to be sexual." My mouth crashed on his again and then I found new ways to explore and began wondering if it was wrong to not be wanting something more........ "Josh?"

I lurched up, thinking it was my own voice that had said that. I looked at Josh and he had a horrified expression on his face. He was looking behind me towards the door. I slowly turned around to face the intruder. And that was how David Romano had found us. THE END.

Woot! See ya!

Quote: "Passion colors all that it touches in its own hues." - Baltasar Gracian (on back of Celestial Seasonings Cinnamon Apple Spice Herb Tea box)



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